And Then There Were Three

Did you know?

It’s not the death of a child that breaks up a marriage. When a child dies, each partner will grieve differently, as we naturally all do in grief. When the partners judge each other about the way they are grieving, it can cause the marriage to begin to break down.

Grieving people need nonjudgmental space and respect to grieve as they need to. It can be messy and difficult, but a consistent devotion to this concept can save relationships.

I experienced something similar when my husband died between my two children and myself.

Truly Alone

My husband died at age 48 from a glioblastoma brain tumor that he had for 2 1/2 years. We were married for 20 years. After he passed, my two teenagers and I were left to deal with the most significant grief of our lives. We were living in the same house and experiencing different types of grief at different times. This meant that on a given day one of us could be sad, one of us could be in denial, and one of us could be angry. These different emotional states didn’t always coexist peacefully! For example, if someone was angry, their words could feel like salt in the wound of someone who was sad. It was a highly emotionally charged state to exist in. I remember clearly thinking that this is how families break up after a death in the family. At times the differences seemed impossible to navigate. I also realized, if we didn’t figure out a way through this, our family’s existence was in jeopardy. So I intuitively and deliberately started each day with an intention to nonjudgmentally listen and witness my teenagers’ grief. I got my own support from a trusted therapist. It wasn’t easy and I’m sure I was not always at my best given the pain I was in. When the daily frustrations were high, I did my best to keep the big priority in mind- keeping my family together. The first 6 months to a year were the hardest. I would say this was definitely one of the most unexpected and difficult things we faced. Over time, with many small steps, the laughter and good times started to outweigh the painful times. That was ten years ago. My teenagers are now young adults, one is married. We enjoy authentic and close relationships that I treasure.