What to Say

You would think at my age I would know what to say to someone who is bereaved. But I actually have said some things that are not helpful...

With the holidays approaching, we may be seeing people who have suffered a loss.

It turns out there is a specific idea we want to keep in mind when talking to someone in grief. You want to validate their experience and listen to them.

What You Could Say...

Saying things like this are helpful:

• I’m so sorry for your loss

• Of course you feel that way

• I don’t know how you feel but I am here for you

• My favorite memory of your loved one is…

Or, say nothing and give a hug or just be with them.

On The Other Hand...

Bright siding and using platitudes is not helpful, because it doesn't validate their experience and can come across as dismissive. Here are some examples:

• They are in a better place

• At least they had a full life

• I know how you feel

• There is a reason for everything
  

It's About Them, Not You

Here’s another way to think about it. It is in our human nature to want to make someone feel better when we see they are in pain. It also makes US feel more comfortable if we feel we are cheering them up. But when someone is in grief it’s about THEM and not us. So we are far more helpful if we stay in listening and validating mode.

Easier said than done I know. I’m practicing.

Whether you are grieving or someone who wants to know more about how to support a friend that is, I am here. Let's talk.

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